From not enough money to too much
stress, there are many common triggers
for relationship issues. But can your
union be saved?
According to the top relationship experts,
there are certain things you need to
understand about yourself and your
partner:
1. Understand relationship phases.
Relationships have three general phases:
romantic, conflict and commitment.
Unless they’re sending you a serious red
flag, it’s hard to figure out if someone’s a
keeper in the romantic phase.
“This is the stage where it’s all fun,” says
Richo, a psychotherapist (DaveRicho.com)
and author of How to Be an Adult in
Relationships (Shambhala). “Neither
person will show their dark side very
much, so you don’t have a picture of the
whole person.”
So when do you really know whether he’s
that special someone? When the masks
come off, says Richo. Which is why
fighting from the very start about money,
work and how many times you have s*x a
week can threaten even the most
promising unions.
What’s key is how you handle these
relationship stages and working through
relationship issues appropriately.
2. Admit your emotional dependence.
Making an emotional connection is what
people hunger for the most, says Sue
Johnson, a professor of clinical psychology
at the University of Ottawa and author of
Hold Me Tight (Little Brown and
Company).
Recognizing and admitting that you’re
emotionally dependent on your partner
can transform key moments in your
relationship and bring you closer than
ever.
“All the evidence shows that when you
feel safe, connected and sure, you’re
better at taking care of your partner, at
talking about everything from kids to
s*x,” Johnson says. As a result, you’ll have
a more satisfying s*x life.
People often feel ashamed about needing
emotional ties. “Not just men either,” she
says. “Women say this means I’m weak or
immature. I shouldn’t need this comfort
from him.”
3. Show your love the right way.
Attention, acceptance, appreciation,
affection – as well as respect for each
other’s deepest needs and wishes – is the
foundation of a good relationship, Richo
says. To improve your relationship, help
your partner know what he means to you
by expressing these 4 A’s.
“Love isn’t based on the amount of
adrenaline we feel coursing through our
bodies, but rather whether we’re present
in those five ways,” he says. “I know I love
someone when I show those four A’s and
I know they love me when they show
them in return.”
Unfortunately, we often mistake that first
rush of hormones for true love.
“The pitter-patter excitement of a heart
skipping a beat is all OK in the romantic
phase,” Richo explains, “but that can’t be
your ultimate test of whether love is
real.”
4. Embrace “Me, me, me!”
Sound selfish? Not at all, says Alison
Armstrong, founder of the Understanding
Men series of workshops
(UnderstandMen.com) and author of
Making Sense of Men (Pax Programs).
“Before you commit to someone else, get
clear about what is most important in
your life and spend your time, money
and energy on that.”
In fact, most people are attracted to
those who feel comfortable in their own
skin, she says.
5. Fight, yes, but don’t be cruel.
Happy, functional couples fight – it’s part
of the deal (and make-up s*x is the happy
ending). But when unhappy couples brawl,
it can be like War of the Roses. And
nothing brings a troubled relationship
down faster.
“A lot of couples’ therapy is helping
people fight in a nicer way,” Johnson says.
Happy couples who feel secure with one
another probably won’t get as mean as
those who aren’t feeling love from their
partner.
“They can find a way to reach for each
other” and make “safe, emotional
connections,” Johnson says.
Her No. 1 fighting rule: Don’t turn your
partner into the enemy. “Try to listen to
your own needs and fears that are coming
up in these fights,” she says. It’ll help you
feel secure with each other, even in the
midst of battle.
Another difference: Even in the midst of
a fight, healthy couples feel safe, they can
“call” for their partner and their partner
will come, Johnson says.
6. Examine your definition of trust.
Traditionally, a relationship based on
trust meant, “I trust you to be faithful and
keep your agreements,” Richo says.
But in modern times, your definition of
trust needs to also create room for the
inevitabilities of life and love, and how
you handle them, he says, such as:
“I trust myself to appreciate that you will
keep your agreements and work things
out with me.”
“I trust myself to receive that with
appreciation, and I also trust myself to
handle the times when you don’t come
through, when you don’t keep
agreements.”
“And in those times, I trust myself to try
to work it out and not to retaliate.”
People aren’t perfect, and they’re not
always as loving and loyal as they intend
to be or you want them to be.
Even though “you’re totally open to your
partner’s trustworthiness, the trust is in
myself,” Richo says. “If and when
something happens to contradict that, I’m
not going to fall apart.”
7. Get to the real heart of the problem.
You know those arguments where your
partner complains about the dirty dishes
in the sink and you end up defending
yourself or shutting down?
The real problem is deeper, Johnson says.
“This isn’t about whether to build a new
cottage,” Johnson says. “This is about the
fact that I’m scared if we build a new
cottage, you’ll spend a lot of time up
there and withdraw from me and I’ll feel
lonely.”
Getting to the truth of feelings driving
the fight – and sharing those truths – is
key to a happy love life.
Likewise, recognizing the wounds that
make you react impulsively is the first
step in healing them, Johnson says. Those
raw spot forms when your attachment
needs aren’t met and you feel
emotionally deserted.
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